Life – A Letter of Gratitude

Life. Such a gift. I know everyone has their thoughts of when and how it begins.   But  I believe at conception you begin to see something truly miraculous occur.

My first three miscarriages happened very early on. I will never really know what happened and why, but personally I believe I must have had implantation problems. After my third miscarriage, I found a fertility specialist who was willing to dig a little deeper and perform a laparoscopy. She was able to find and remove polyps in my uterus.  My specialist did not say that was the cause of the previous three, but did say the polyps might have had an impact on implantation.

Soon after the laparoscopy, we were pregnant again. This time my HCG levels (human chorionic gonadotropin – hormone found in placenta after implantation) were doubling. At six weeks, Bryce and I entered for an ultrasound and what we saw was a beautiful baby. The heartbeat was music to my ears. Our little bean was perfect.  At seven weeks we went in for a second ultrasound. Our baby still had a heartbeat, but it was not as strong. Our doctor tried to be optimistic, but did warn us of the possibility of miscarrying again. This early on, there was nothing we could do to stop or prevent it.

I did not want to talk to anyone. Not to my family members, and not even to Bryce. I wanted to hold on to hope for our little one. I did not want people to start comforting me.

At eight weeks I went in, and there was very little growth and no heartbeat! Crushed. Two weeks later we had a D&C (Dilation and curettage a procedure to remove fetus and the lining of uterus). I decided to have this procedure to get answers.  We found out our baby was a girl who had chromosomal problems.

After my experiences with miscarriages, I have a really hard time hearing about abortion and how often it is used as a solution to a problem.

I have a friend who recently found out she is pregnant. She found out the insurance she has does not cover prenatal visits or delivery costs. Crushed she visited the AHCCCS office (Arizona Health Care Cost Containment System). There she found out she was ineligible and was advised to abort her baby.

Life . How could the diminish of it be a solution? I keep thinking of my 6 and 7 week ultrasounds.   My little bean had a heartbeat and was already moving. There was life, and at 8 weeks it was clear to see the absence of it.

This past Saturday, my sister called me in the morning and told me that she would be walking for Ruthy as part of  March for Life she was participating in.

First family photo as a family of five, taken two days after Ruthy was placed in our home. Here we had just practiced a fire drill!

I have thought about that and agree completely. I have said in the past that I have never met my children’s birth mother.  There are some choices she has made that I might not agree with, but I know she has made some very brave choices as well.  She gave birth to three beautiful children. I do not know her, but believe the decision to leave them must have been a very difficult decision. I cannot imagine it being easy.  So with life on my mind, I am grateful to the life that gave birth to my children.

I truly believe these three compliment each other! This photo was taken a week after Elijah entered our home. Ruthy must have been about two weeks old!

A Letter of Gratitude:

Dearest Birth Mother of My Children,

I hope you are doing well. I cannot imagine what you have gone through and what you are going through. I will always be grateful for the great sacrifice you made to carry your children and bring them into this world.

I want to share how grateful I am for your children. They are constantly teaching me lessons and I hope to become a better person for them and our family! Your children are absolutely beautiful inside and out.  They are strong and resilient and I know they will do great things in this world with the gift of life you gave them.

I promise as their mother to love, care, and teach them throughout their life. I will support them in their endeavors the best that I can.

Motherhood is a challenge for everyone. Know that you are not the only one who has struggled.  I struggle almost daily, but I am desperately striving to become better each day.

Luckily I have my husband who is very supportive of this beautiful family we have now. The kids adore him. The other day he came home, and all the kids were just so excited to see him. Isabel said, ” I just get so excited when he comes home.” I love how unique and special their relationships is becoming.

I might be rambling now, but I want you to know that no matter what I will always care and love your children as my own. They are already important members of our family. They are beautiful and my life will forever be changed for your willingness to bring them into this world.



Credit: Leavitt Wells / Leavitt Wells Photography
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