The following is an updated post from our Infertility journey. It was originally published January 30, 2015.
These last couple of months, have been unexpectedly hard and trying. These thoughts, however, need to be put down so I can move forward. Also know that what I write is my own personal beliefs and opinions.
When Bryce and I got married, we knew we wanted kids and a family. We also did not want to rush into it either. We believed that having kids is an act of faith. The Lord would bless us with kids when we were ready and we would gladly accept them. That is what I truly believed. Well in October we were both so busy planning a tri-ward Fall Festival that I did not realize I was late. Sure enough I took a pregnancy test and I was pregnant. We were so excited and nervous. We would be expecting our first around July 2nd, 2015. The night I took the pregnancy test, Bryce wanted to announce it to the world. Somehow I was able to convince him to start just with the family. The truth was, something just did not feel right. I spent a lot of time on my knees pleading with the Lord to protect the baby. A couple of days later, I went in to see my OBGYN. She confirmed I was pregnant. I shared my concerns (I was experiencing pain in my right abdomen), and so more tests were ordered for two days ahead. To shorten the story, my human chorionic gonadotropin (HCG) levels had dropped confirming my worst fears, I would be losing this baby. My OBGYN told Bryce and I, that miscarriages are common and when we were ready to go ahead and start trying again. The next couple of days were horrible. I did not want to talk or be around anyone. I felt a horrible pain in my heart, a loss. I was grateful for my job as a kindergarten teacher, because my students truly lifted my heart.
Although we had suffered a great loss, Bryce and I felt the same way we had in the past about children. The Lord would bless us with children if it was right, when we were ready, when He wanted us to have them. Without really meaning to, we got pregnant again within weeks of the miscarriage. I was determined to be as optimistic as I could. We were thrilled, but told each other we would not tell anyone until we had reached 12 weeks. Again I spent every spare moment praying and pleading that the Lord would help me carry this child. I immediately went in to see my OBGYN. Again she confirmed I was pregnant, and ordered tests to be done in two days. My HCG levels had gone drastically down. My heart sank deeper than ever before. I felt like a murderer. I felt like a sinner. If only I was more faithful, trustworthy. I felt alone. None of the women in my direct family had suffered a miscarriage. Bryce couldn’t understand me. I really felt alone. I was, however, very lucky that my OBGYN had referred me to a infertility specialist. I had my doubts, but set the appointment for the earliest possible opening (which was a month away). I have to say the second miscarriage was much more difficult than the first. My days seemed to have less color and food seemed to have less flavor. I continued just by putting one foot in front of the other.
Even though it might sound funny, talking about my miscarriages brings me hope. I have found that it is actually very common and I love hearing success stories from other women and even men. I do have to say the burden, however, was drastically lifted as I went to the fertility specialist. He listened to my concerns, was very honest with me, but more than that was and is willing to work with Bryce and I to help us.
I do not know our future, but Bryce and I keep our faith. We still believe that having children is an act of faith. I guess we just have to be patient. Although I am not a mother yet, I have a taste of what it feels like to want to protect your children so badly. I guess it is hard when you have no control. The things that I know to be true is that we are not alone in our life and in our trials. Trust in the Lord and He will direct thy path.
Friends if you have stories you would like to share, I would love to hear them.
Three Simple Tips to Ease Fertility Journey:
Share your feelings: Our thoughts can sometimes get a little scary. Share with someone you trust. Sometimes sharing, helps you hear these thoughts out loud and help you understand they carry no truth. Sharing you feelings can also help validate them. Often times you might feel alone. Communicating with someone else, helps bring down these walls and barriers you have built up and let others come in. When I began to share my feelings, I began to feel so much better. Friends were able to share their experiences and no longer did I feel alone.
The most important person to open up and share feelings with is your spouse. It is very common to shut your spouse out. Remember they are going through this as well. Talk to them and let them in. Be willing to listen to them. They no doubt are processing emotions as well. Instead of growing apart, when you communicate, these experiences can actually help you grow closer together. If needed, go to a professional to work through these trying times together.
Keep a Journal – Not only is this a great way to work through your own feelings, it is also an excellent way to keep a record of events. This is especially the case when working with multiple doctors. Keep a record of what happened when. What was suggested at each appointment. Keep track of when you started certain treatments, and results. Take your journal to appointments and jot down what is said. I will be first to say that sometimes your doctor might overload you with information. Write everything down, and go home and process it all. This journal might help you understand things better. Ask for copies of all medical results. This can come in handy when asking for a second opinion.
Ask Questions and for Second Opinions – Sometimes you might find a doctor who talks at you, instead of with you. They might push an option you are not comfortable with. It is okay to have them slow down and ask them to explain a little further. Take control. If you are not satisfied with their plan, find another doctor and ask for a second opinion.