The following is an updated post from our Infertility journey. It was originally written on July 13, 2015.
Recently I came across a blog post from Al Fox Carraway, you can find the blog post Here.
In the blog post Al Fox Carraway shares her feelings of when she first became a member of the LDS church and thought she would never get married. Her message brought me hope, although I am married, I often feel like I might never have children of my own. I can’t think that way. The following is a paragraph that I most related to : “Don’t let passing time allow doubts and unsettling thoughts to take over. Don’t lose patience and miss out on what He has in store for you. Don’t hold yourself back from learning and growing and experiencing other things. Just hold on and don’t lose confidence. Heavenly Father knows what’s important to us and what we need. ”
Believe me, these past couple of months have been pretty tough. At times I feel completely fine, optimistic, and so blessed (truly I am very blessed), but all of that tumbles as soon as doubt fills my head. I more than anything, want to be with my little one in my arms (recently my first due date just past on July 2nd). I see friends with their new babies, or with their beautiful big bellies, and sometimes think I should be with them. However friends, rest assured I do not at all in any way resent you! I recently had a great friend and her family come and stay at our home. She was so sweet and wanted to know how I was doing, but also how I felt around friends who have growing families. I figured if she was wondering, maybe some of you are too. I am so happy for my friends and family members who have babies, and are pregnant. Do not feel like you have to walk on egg shells to share with me your happy news of another new addition! I too am very happy for you! I love children and nothing makes me happier than knowing families are growing. Just maybe don’t feel offended if I do not attend your baby shower. For some reason those are hard for me. I know that sounds silly, and is. I will get over it with time. More than anything know that your happy news brings me hope in that I too might have the same happy news to share. I believe each baby is a miracle, so please keep sharing your miracles with me!
Ok well the other thing that Al Fox Carraway’s blog reminded me of, is that nobody has it perfect! It is so easy for us to look at pictures of our friends and think that they have life figured out! I can’t really say for sure, but I am pretty sure that is completely a false assumptions. Everyone has something that they are going through whether they be single, married, or with children. The lesson I learned on my mission that I keep remembering is that this life is not meant to to be easy. We do not want it to be either. Every experience that we have is for our good, we need to own them and take strength in them! My husband reminds me to be present in the here and now and not get caught up in what will be or what could have been. We need to take ownership in what is going on in our life.
Infertility is hard in many ways, and in the not so obvious way is now I need to really educate myself and know more about my body. Infertility is quite complicated actually. There are so many different types of tests they run and well I need to know what they are and what they are for. I have found strength and sharing my experiences and finding friends who are going through similar things. I have found one awesome friend in particular who we exchange notes and try to help each other understand the various tests being ran. This friend is actually really wise and I will share a tip that I have learned from her. Keep your own file and ask for copies of everything the doctors run. I cannot say enough how important it is to educate yourself. When the doctor says something go home and research it. Take notes of everything that is said in a meeting with a doctor and put those notes in your file! Keep a calendar and take notes of everything. Most importantly if you do not agree or feel comfortable with a doctor, do not be afraid to get a second opinion or find another doctor. Although I share this about infertility, the same applies to really anything medical. I feel so silly that I never thought to do the same before, but to be honest before all this I could care less about going in to see doctors (I rarely went).
Ok so I am sorry this blog post is getting a little long, but I just wanted to stress one last thing. When hardships are upon you, do not let them take hold of you. Poor Bryce has had to, in more occasions than I would like to admit, help me up and remind me of this. We all have a lot of uncertainties in our lives, and I guess my big one now is our children. I wish I had the answers, or at least more answers but I don’t. One thing I know is that I do not want time to pass me by! Well my dear friends thank you for support, prayers, and love!